Hmmmm.
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Born To Try
Well today at work, it was pretty stale. I had a really horrible day. I just thought my life plain sucked. I came home, lied on the bed, and I seriously thought about doing something drastic, as in ending it. I started crying, I must have cried for about an hour. Everything went thru my head, my job, the way things are going, just everything. I just dreaded having to face all of that again the next day. When I felt like that in the past, I would ask God why? But it wouldn't make me feel better, but this time it was different, I didn't ask God why I was feeling like this, I had felt abandoned. If he ever existed, he has abandoned me.

After I cried, I got up to have a cigarette, I sat down on the deck, my dog came up to me, and just sat there, squeezed under my arm so I would hug her. LOL, she's like that.

I sat there laughing at how pathetic my life was, but I thought, well what do I have to live for? Absolutely nothing I figured. I dunno. I sat there for a while, smoking.

I got up after a while, and I thought Fuck it, Fuck the World if it wants me to feel like this. I stood up feeling like I was on my own, nobody cares, nobody give's a hoot what I feel like. I think today I gave up on God, I held on too long after he gave up on me. What is left to believe in?

I got up hating the world. I really believe there is no one watching over me. We make our own paths, not what someone has destined for us. If God did love us, why did he make us suffer like this.

I know this entry may sound absolutely silly to some, but it's just how I feel.


Am I just too impatient? Will things work out for me? Have I given up too soon?

My concert Trip/
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: He Wasn't - Avril Lavigne
So I went on my trip to the Avril Lavigne concert, we had a really awesome time. I thought she had a real change of image, she had curly long blond hair, good make up, not the punk rocker look she had going there for a while. The Show lasted for 70 minutes.

After the concert, we went back to the hotel to change, and go out to a bar. We couldn't find one and we had been going for about an hour, so we went' for a walk around downtown and we found one, so we said, what the heck, lets go in.

We went to the bar, the bartender was really cute, he had brown hair, a couple piercings, and a goatee, and a really nice butt.

So we are sitting there, and my friend gasps, and says, OMG look at the TV, so we looked and they were playing gay porn on the TV. It was a gay bar, we laughed, and we said, oh well no guys for us tonight. But we didn't care it was just us.

After about 5 long Island iced teas, I was all over the place yapping with everybody,eventually I found my way to the payphone, and made a phone call, I'll give you one guess who it was, yes, Rich, the guy who I loved but couldn't love me back, because of his bitch girlfriend, but whatever, so we talked and I said I missed him, and he said he missed me too, I almost cried, I said, I want what we had back, but my friends came to my rescue, and dragged me off the phone, so I went back to drinking, last call came and went, so we ordered our last round. The Bar closed and we walked back to the hotel, and this cute gay guy comes up to us and says, do you's wanna see something, and we're like yah, so he unzipped and whipped his big @thing! out, and we are screaming and laughing, oh my god.

We went back to the hotel, and ordered pizza, but I don't know how we managed to order two different pizza's from two different places, but whatever, we ate good. LOL. So after my friends went to bed, I got up went downstairs and used the payphone in the lobby of the hotel, yes I called him back, and we chatted, he made me laugh, meanwhile, I was ripped in two, one side of me was so happy that I was talking to him, and the other side of me was angry because I was making a mistake, but what can I do, There's this intuition telling me that this guy is my soulmate, I can't be without him. ( does that make any sense to anyone), we talked for about an hour, until I couldn't stay up no longer, so I went to bed, but I told him that I wanted to get together for a visit, with a harder plan in my mind to get him.

The next day , we had to drive around looking for an address, we took so long, then we finally found it, then a chip delivery guy was unloading, this guy was so beautiful, just angelic, we were like, we can't leave with out taking his picture, so we got out, asked him can we have your pictures, and he said yes, we took a picture, and we were all happy. We did some shopping we stopped at a few stores, I spent enough. All the while I had a smile on my face, thinking about Rich, and fighting with myself about buying him a gift, but my angry side won that fight, I didn't buy him anything.

The Drive back home, i thought about him, and got scared again, scared of getting my heart broken, so I never called back. I'm still considering it, but I haven't so far.

But like the wise words of the following song....

There's not much going on today.
I'm really bored, it's getting late.
What happened to my Saturday?
Monday's coming, the day I hate.

Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone.
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.
He wouldn't even open up the door.
He never made me feel like I was special.
He isn't really what I'm looking for.

This is when I start to bite my nails.
And clean my room when all else fails.
I think it's time for me to bail.
This point of view is getting stale.

Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone.
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.
He wouldn't even open up the door.
He never made me feel like I was special.
He isn't really what I'm looking for.

Na na na na na, we've all got choices.
Na na na na, we've all got voices.
Na na na na na, stand up make some noise.
Na na na na, stand up make some noise.

Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone.
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.
He wouldn't even open up the door.
He never made me feel like I was special.
He isn't really what I'm looking for.
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.
He wouldn't even open up the door.
He never made me feel like I was special.
Like I was special, cuz I was special.

Na na na na na.


How can I love such a loser?

Is he my soulmate, or am I just crazy?

Until next time, have a good one.

(but reading back on the blog)

I think we would be both happy to be with each other again. LOL. but as my friends like to say, you deserve a bitch slap.

Ending a relationship
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: oasis - wonderwall
Ok, so i was thinking earlier in the week about what happens after a relationship ends. The aftermath if you wish to call it, the gains, the losses.

From experience, I think you all can agree that a friend is lost, well in most cases, because I had tried to be friends with him, but it would never work, because when we were together, i realized how much I missed him, and wanted to be with him. Total separation is the only choice there is ( i think anyway) after ending a relationship. I do also think that Time has an important part to play in your healing, because maybe 15 years down the road, you know, you could meet up say hi, and chat about the day, and not feel the way you did about him.

Love - this is a toss up, because after the separation, you continue to love, and miss the person you broke up with, right, the love never really goes away, I think a game is played between both people with this, both want to look like they are over it, but wonder if the other person is really over them - does that make any sense to anyone?

The thing that I find that I value the most after we broke up, is the person that developed from it, I began to value my individuality, I used to always conform to the norm, I never wanted to be different. Until the relationship began, I never showed who I really was, until he started telling me that he liked the person I really was, the person I really was, began showing more and more, and my friends, and new friends, liked the way I was. I liked it, and I was always praised for being myself. That's the one thing that I gained from the relationship.

Strength is another thing that you gain from the ending of a relationship, you realize eventually that it isn't the end of the world, someone else will come along, there are other people in the world that are more interesting. And so you would learn to move on with your life.

Humility is another thing I believe you learn of after a relationship. I cannot really get into this one, as I do not really understand why it's there, you just learn from it, you know.

I think the best thing you learn, after a break up, is that there is a tomorrow to look forward to, a new adventure awaits, you may meet your soulmate the next day. and new friends to meet and bitch to... : ) have a good summer.

Hmmm,.
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Respect - Aretha Franklin
Well what can I say for the month of May, everything is going good, job is great, having fun, my life seems to be getting better, my heart getting lighter, enjoying life again.


I had just been busy getting work done, yard work, and my boss said I have been improving at work.

On love life, not much has been happening, who cares.

I haven't heard from too many of my friends lately, so I don't know what they are up to, they all seem pretty happy when I see them, I made a couple more freiends, Angie, Leona. They Are both pretty hip chicks.

Well, that's all for now, I'll have to think of what I want to write, and I'll make an entry next week.

I'll write a slip about the love of my life, I promise i'll write about that front.

Until then, have a good summer, enjoy yourself.

No title
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Be the Girl - Aslyn
Lately, I've been wondering, dreaming, and missing the man who broke my heart.

One day at work, I happened to look up to a random direction, and then right where I looked, there he was looking at me as he walked in, I quickly looked away. Again I looked randomly at a random time, and there he was again, looking at me, as he walked out, I smiled this time, and he smiled back. Why is it that when you look somewhere you see the person you don't want to really see? Is this something in your heart that tells you to look there?, or something else?

That same night...
I had a dream that he came to my work place, and said, I'm ready, ready to be with you, i just want it to be us, and then he kisses me. I woke up smiling, and hopeful that there is still a future for the both of us.

I worked up enough courage after this to call him at his work, because I was up late...
Our conversation was soft spoken, like two lovers that haven't heard from each other in a long time, I asked how he was doing, and vice versa. I smiled as we went on about things, I felt a certain kindness and relief in his voice that he was glad to hear from me. He asked what I was up to that night, I said not much, why do you want me to come see you? his typical response - if you want to. I said sure, I'll come over, do you want me to bring you a cup of coffee? Sure, thanks.

As I drove away, I was grinning, just happy that I had called because I was going to see him, after I haven't seen him for a while. I arrived and parked, as he opened the door and sat down. I felt so nervous, as did he. So... i asked, how are you doing? he said good, I'm fine. I asked him how life was going, he said not so good, things arent' going great for me at the moment. He asked how I was doing, I didn't want to tell him that my life has been so good since we separated, so I lied and said things were alright, when really they were great.

We sat in the truck for a hour, and just talked, he asked why I hadn't called in months, I got excited, and said, it was just last month I called, but in all reality, I was counting the days since we last spoke ( typical).

I was so tired sitting there, as I had been up at 530 am to get to work by seven. and it was 300 am already. I yawned and yawned, but I was just happy to be there. but after a while, I just wanted to grab him, hug him, and kiss him, but I restrained myself. I said, I should get going I'm so tired. he said, do you really have to go? I said, yeah, i'm tired, so maybe I'll call you again in three months. You better call me sooner than that, because if you don't he said, I'll come and hunt you down. I laughed and said, well then, i'll have to call you soon.

He got out of the truck, and said, ok well make sure you call me again soon, and not in a few months.

I was so happy to be there with him. I felt so weak, and happy at the same time. It felt good that he was happy to see me, and non stop smiles from him. Gratitude that I called and came around. I felt like nothing else in the world existed. Just him and I. He must have been happy too because he forgot his radio in my truck... : )

Doesn't love work in crazy ways?

what do you think?

I think so...

until next time. ( I will catch up on my other friends)

Today
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Bring on the Rain, by Jodee Messina
Hmm, since the last entry, I've not been up to much, I ordered tickets to Avril Lavinge, for a my best friend and I. I can't wait to go, it's not until july but still, it's nice to have em. A couple of days ago at work, I came around the corner, and I saw the one person that I did not care to see, the love of my life. I thought that I was doing so well at getting over it. But when I saw him, my heart fell, everything that I had ever felt, came rushing back into me. I almost cried because I was so - nervous/happy - to see him. I didn't know what to do, I said oh I forgot something, and turned around and went into the back. I stood there, almost crying because I missed him so much. I couldn't believe it, six months of getting over him, and I suddenly realized that I had not gotten over him one bit. Will I ever get over this guy, the one I thought was my soul mate.

Bern called me last night, and told me that she was having a party and wanted me to come over, I said I don't feel like going out tonight. She said, I have something to tell you, I said if it's about him, I don't care anymore. She laughed and said, I know. But come over anyway. I said no, I'll come over and see you tomorrow, in the afternoon sometime.

So the next day, she proceeded to give me the rundown of her night. She said that she had a few friends over to a few drinks. I guess it got too loud, and the neighbors complained, and had the police come over, and she said that she was being smart with the cops. So they threatened that if she didn't turn down the music, and smarten up, that they would arrest her, so she calmed down, and kicked everyone out. Did her night end there? No, it didn't. She then told me that she went across town to see Jon. She slept over, and said that it was a big mistake, she regreted it because she was told by Jon that he was happy being single. I gave her advice that she should not do that, because he breaks her heart everytime, some guys are just awful with matters of the heart.

I came to the conclusion that (in both our cases) you cannot have a friendship with someone you feel more with. It just wouldn't work, you would always hate the fact that it just won't go as far as you want it to go, and also, that you would be jealous of every other person that came into their life, and got what you couldn't. Does this make any sense at all?

Well now, it seems that I am at Day One again.

God love sucks. : )

well...
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Bring on the rain
Well, it's been a while since I last entered anything on here. It must have been a month. But anyway here I go again. So I think I have gotten over the man I thought was my soulmate, I guess now going on four months. Wow, what a long way I've come. Good progress? personally I think so, although I had called my old workplace to talk to a coworker I haven't heard from in a while, and he answered the phone, in confusion I hung up the phone so I wouldn't have to say hello. Is that stupid of me? So to not be so obvious that was me, I waited an hour, and called back. He answered the phone, and I asked, oh you're working today? he said yeah, Jay had called off, so I came in, I was like right on, is birdie there? Yup, just a moment. Nothing, I was kind of hoping that he would say, no just talk to me for a while. I know, I know, wicked thoughts, but I kinda was sad for a bit until Birdie picked up her line. We talked for a bit, and caught up. From the expression in her voice, I had come to the assumtion that her and Jonny were not talking again, and I was right. She said that he had not called for a few days. I told her that she should let him go, that he was only causing her misery, and heartache, and why she kept going through this time and time again. It's the same old story, he leaves, comes back when it seems that he's broke, or whatever. He is so not worth your time. She said, yeah, he's an (expletive), and I should have learned already. I said yes, you should have learned. We laughed at our singledom. But you understand all these games these guys play, and how good they are at it. It makes me wonder, are we all fools? or do we enjoy the games we play with them?
Meanwhile, Jay, another friend of mine, was going full throttle with her ex again. I mean I hope this one works out because now they are on their second child. They seem to be happy, still has time for her single friends. : )

On a finishing note, I think I am on the right track with getting on with life, although, I am still prone to with my wall crashing down and revealing a tear or two. I think now that the heart lies to you in matters of love. It fools you, makes you think that anything is possible, until it all comes crashing down on you. But it also heals, helps you get over things, makes you who you are.

Today
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Don't speak, by NoDoubt
Ok, so another night of chatting on the internet. I was once again talking to Leeland. The Guy from Regina, who seems to be the guy of my dreams. Here I am sitting here squealing like a pig, to see if he will say hi. I end up saying Hi. I am a loser. So anyway we chatted about small things, can men chat about anything serious?, or is it always small talk until you get to the good stuff. Which brings me to the question. Do men ever stop playing these little games? And why can't we understand them? A moment later, he takes off from the chat room, along with this other guy. Who looks like a freak because of his hair style, a 30 year old guy styling his hair like he's 24, can he be any sadder. Ok, I should delete that, because it makes me sound Jealous. It's true. But. This guy is an exact replica of the guy who broke my heart. Am I just trying to find a guy to replace the one that I don't want to endure anymore pain with?, or am I trying to experience him through another guy. Meanwhile, Birdie is beginning to talk to Jonny again. She claims to only want to talk to him only, and nothing else. I don't know, I saw the glow in her face, when she talks about him. She's smiling a little more. I told her that she should be careful about how far she goes with this guy again, for like the 6th time. This proves that anything is possible, and prone to more failure. Lee's and mine's friendship seems to be off the rocks for now. RJ. Still hates my guts about the whole Sharon incident. I don't care, he should take a pill because it's sad when a 30 something year old person acts like that. I told her that it was in general we talked, about their relationship, just things like they broke up, they are back together. Blah Blah. I had a talk with Lee though, explained what happened, then I told her that it was our friendship, and RJ can't dictate anything over us. She said, yeah, She couldn't drive my sister out of my life, he's not going to do that with you either. I hope to continue our friendship with her, because she's been like a sister that I've never had.

Backstory.
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Radio Tunes.
I went through a year of hell with a guy I loved, who couldn't love me back. I quit a job I really loved to get away from him. I thought this was the one, my soulmate, we did alot together, we laughed, hugged, held hands, whatever. Recently we started to talk again, I haven't really pushed it, or called him, or said hi. I'm really not so interested in going through it again. The Entries after this are three months after, and how I'm dealing with it. A brief about what has happened right after the three months. I began to, well what i assumed, to heal from the incident. I started to do things with my friends. We began to talk. Laugh. I started to chat on the internet. other things, I'm sure I can write it out later on.